i longed for one small contact patch
a hand, an eye or more
all received by chance and nothing more

skidding now
now at the end of things
at the end of this i watch your sleeping back,
dreaming of your pleasure,
eyes crystallize and all resolve diffracts

tenuous i stretch a hand’s soft back,
tenuous i float in
with our history at hand,
tenuous i float in
with our every fumbled fuck,
with our love we sung,
with our love that suckled children,

with all our to and froing
with our love we gave them life
in spite of us they live for ever

and after all of this,
and after all of this you still retract,
from nothing as so simple,
from nothing as so pure,
a soft hand resting on
a contact patch upon your back,

a back that’s all you now reflect,
a patch with insufficient grip,
a vision of your lips, your hips and mouth
a vision of you riding, high above
a vision of your song to me

and after all of this you still retract,
all softness you retract
and I  retract, and reflect,
and I don’t know what to do

I remember once a birthday when I cried,
and broke the ragged hope of those
who struggled to provide,

I remember once a birthday when  I woke
to seamless jeans and pleasure spoken
and then proven by the silver tongue,

And underneath a spreading tree
that through the window took a look
and through the winter sunlight, shook.

I remember once a birthday when  I woke.

A typical night in a typical UK lounge

It was left this week to a price comparison site for the PS3 game console to voice the complaint of UK men that their women are useless at sex.

Their women, they said, were “hard to please”  and “not as much fun” as console gaming. “Rubbish in bed”, in other words.

More shocking still is the fact that more women own games consoles than men. It follows that we’re cheating on our partners by playing on their games consoles through the night.

Even I find these results startling”, said Mike Elsmore, developer of the PS3 site that ran the survey.

When even Mike finds it startling you know you’re onto something. 

Clearly there is something wrong with the entertainment capabilities of the average UK woman if UK man would rather spend the night with their PS3.  But the the truth is, no-one knows just how bad things really are.  

Insert your own sausage joke here

Analysis
A man has instant access to any number of in-depth reviews of new and old games, broken down by category: graphics, sound, gameplay and so on. And the fact is that the average console game scores around 70% in reviews.

If we assume that 70% constitutes a “pass”; and that maybe on a good day, with a few beers, we’d be happy with a game scoring perhaps 50%; it seems clear that UK woman have a good deal of development work ahead of them to improve their overall entertainment level.

Improving the average score
Just how much their scores need improving, we don’t know. Is it a problem with the graphics, the user interface or the control system? Does the sound grate? Is the gameplay just too boring – have we seen it all before? 

The obvious solution is to introduce a review system for wives and girlfriends. When we know from this month’s PC Gamer and What GF, that GTA 5 got 89% for graphics but Justine upstairs scored 93% on her oral, then our course is clear and everyone’s happy.  

Missed opportunities

According to The Register, Xbox owners weren’t involved in the survey because “the research was commissioned by a PS3-only price comparison website”.It’s the kind of insightful reporting The Register is famous for, although disappointment was expressed by many for missing the more obvious conclusion that Xbox owners weren’t surveyed because Xbox owners don’t have girlfriends.Elsewhere, the NRDC has reported on the environmental problems caused by men leaving their consoles turned on after their late-night exertions. Sadly the research failed to investigate the impact on global warming of the average woman left turned on all night.