[Da na nah na nah]

I did find a leaflet 
In pdf format
Said discoloration
Was likely the result of a change in flow caused by a burst main or possibly firefighting activity that had stirred up iron deposits in the water pipes.

[Da na nah na nah]

That would have been helpful
If just above it
There wasn’t a sentence
Explaining that white cloudiness is nothing to worry about and if you find your water to be white and cloudy it is perfectly safe to drink.

[Da na nah na nah]

So this is the problem
I’m telling you now
I’d drink the white water
Not water that’s brown because while it says explicitly that white cloudy water is safe to drink and gives a perfectly plausible explanation for the brown colour of my water this morning it does not say whether brown water caused by iron deposits stirred up by a change in flow of the water in the water main possibly because of a burst pipe or firefighting activity is safe to drink or not safe to drink, and that kind of sloppy copywriting would be bad enough in a blues song or some other inconsequential lyric or piece of collateral but in a leaflet purporting to explain everything you need to know about water quality in the Three Valleys area it’s pretty much unforgivable and this kind of thing makes me really hopping angry or at least it does since i stopped smoking and drinking and have to rely on the fucking brown cloudy water supply to keep my increasingly fat and greasy body alive, you fucks.

[Da na nah na nah]

While I’ve lived in and around London for nigh on ten years I very rarely visit or look at any of it, because it’s full of scary weirdos…

 Yesterday was an exception, meeting cousins and generally enjoying a few drinks and a catchup.

Gordons is a strange place near Embankment. A proper old cellar, the sort of place that you might describe as a den, possibly of iniquity. It was really more of a den of very middle class people drinking quite expensive wine, but it looked great nonetheless. A highly grumpy eastern european girl served us lunch, which was big lumps of cheese and bread (this is a Good Lunch) and we sat outside. Near the sunshine, but not in it.

When that got a bit too cold, it was over the river to sit in the enormous suntrap that is the terrace outside the Royal Festival Hall, drinking overpriced lager but generally enjoying the view and having a natter. Most pleasant. Can tell it was good because I completely forgot to take any photos. Huzzah!

Preparation is everything.

Sadly, the world is full of eager hosts who promise splendid caffeine-based refreshment but deliver something woeful and insipid – more akin to hot brown water than the real thing.

So here’s the recipe for perfect, instant coffee. None of your posh chrome filter automatic bean grinding £1,000 coffee machine here, oh no. That’s for people with more time and money than sense need for caffeine.

This is coffee from a jar kind of coffee, because it’s cheaper, quicker, and if done properly much more effective.

This is one teaspoon of coffee. Heap it high.

Seven steps to coffee nirvana
For the perfect cup of coffee, you will need:

• A jar of normal instant coffee. Something Fairtrade, just in case.
• Fresh cold semi-skimmed milk
• Sugar if required
• A kettle
• An adequate supply of power and water and gravity etc
• A mug. Thick, not delicate.
• A teaspoon

Step 1: boil yer kettle.

Step 2: while it’s boiling, add one to two teaspoons of coffee into your mug: the more the merrier. Add sugar to taste – white or brown. I’m quite fond of demerara at the moment.

Step 3: add milk to taste, but put in a fair bit. We’re aiming for strong and milky, and sweet if that’s your thing. There are people who think you should start tea with milk, and add it to coffee after. They are crazy people.

Step 4: leave the milk, coffee and sugar to form a pasty substrate while you wait for the kettle to boil.

Step 5: when the kettle has boiled, wait ’til it’s stopped bubbling.  And then a bit more. NEVER MAKE COFFEE WITH BOILING WATER. Nevereverever. It ruins the milk and burns your mouth.

Step 6: when kettle nirvana has been achieved, pour water steadily into mug and stir while  pouring. Don’t fill the cup to the brim, that’s just annoying: it makes it too hot, ruins the mix and you’ll probably spill it. Three-quarters full is perfectly adequate.

Step 7: drink. Enjoy the sensation of coffee that is strong, milky, smooth and sweet, and that doesn’t burn your tongue.

If it’s not all of those things, experiment. The water was probably too hot. Maybe your mug is a bit large and you need more of everything, or less of something. It’s all about achieving a fine balance.