A typical night in a typical UK lounge

It was left this week to a price comparison site for the PS3 game console to voice the complaint of UK men that their women are useless at sex.

Their women, they said, were “hard to please”  and “not as much fun” as console gaming. “Rubbish in bed”, in other words.

More shocking still is the fact that more women own games consoles than men. It follows that we’re cheating on our partners by playing on their games consoles through the night.

Even I find these results startling”, said Mike Elsmore, developer of the PS3 site that ran the survey.

When even Mike finds it startling you know you’re onto something. 

Clearly there is something wrong with the entertainment capabilities of the average UK woman if UK man would rather spend the night with their PS3.  But the the truth is, no-one knows just how bad things really are.  

Insert your own sausage joke here

Analysis
A man has instant access to any number of in-depth reviews of new and old games, broken down by category: graphics, sound, gameplay and so on. And the fact is that the average console game scores around 70% in reviews.

If we assume that 70% constitutes a “pass”; and that maybe on a good day, with a few beers, we’d be happy with a game scoring perhaps 50%; it seems clear that UK woman have a good deal of development work ahead of them to improve their overall entertainment level.

Improving the average score
Just how much their scores need improving, we don’t know. Is it a problem with the graphics, the user interface or the control system? Does the sound grate? Is the gameplay just too boring – have we seen it all before? 

The obvious solution is to introduce a review system for wives and girlfriends. When we know from this month’s PC Gamer and What GF, that GTA 5 got 89% for graphics but Justine upstairs scored 93% on her oral, then our course is clear and everyone’s happy.  

Missed opportunities

According to The Register, Xbox owners weren’t involved in the survey because “the research was commissioned by a PS3-only price comparison website”.It’s the kind of insightful reporting The Register is famous for, although disappointment was expressed by many for missing the more obvious conclusion that Xbox owners weren’t surveyed because Xbox owners don’t have girlfriends.Elsewhere, the NRDC has reported on the environmental problems caused by men leaving their consoles turned on after their late-night exertions. Sadly the research failed to investigate the impact on global warming of the average woman left turned on all night.

The archbish is the very image of his happy, smiling god

God will not intervene to prevent humanity from causing “immeasurable damage” to the environment, the BBC reports today, quoting top god botherer Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Great.

Big G will not guarantee a happy ending. He has given us the freedom to cause as much damage to the planet as we’d like, just as we cause as much damage to each other as we want.

Immortal, invisible, God only wise

“God’s faithfulness stands, assuring us that even in the most appalling disaster love will not let us go – but it will not be a safety net that guarantees a happy ending in this world.”

The gift of free will means, of course, that it is up to us to perform like the trained monkeys god wants us to be, and drink less Coke, burn less petrol and cut down less forest. If we don’t choose to do these things, it’s our problem. On the other hand, even if some people do these things, they’re just going to drown and starve along with everyone else. It’s the sort of fair, merciful, rational argument we’ve come to rely on from this most medieval of institutions. Jesus loves you, just not enough to actually do anything.

It’s difficult to understand the purpose of the archbish’s utterance today. Is it pre-emptive, so that as the last human clubs his brother to death to stand alone on the last remaining peak as the waters rise, the last remaining priest can say “we told you so” as he rows on by to salvation? Do they do this every now and then just in case there’s another war/earthquake/epidemic?

Is it simply to scare the children? Given how most people are ignoring or actively disputing scientific evidence of global warming, perhaps the ruthless mercy of the sandalbashers is the push we all need to shock us into action? But then, do we want to live in a world that’s environmentally friendly only because a man in a dress told us what the fairies want us to do (which, incidentally, seems mostly to revolve around saving enough beasts for us to dominate, and other people for us to convert and enslave).

Is it just the church talking as a worried landowner?

In Hope, Against Hope, For the Glory of God.

It’s hard to understand anything the major religions say, and there is little point arguing with people who base their thinking on fiction, not reason. All we can really do is laugh at their silly frocks, and hope that in the long run this bunch of mentalists will cancel themselves out quietly against all of the others.